Though Cowards Flinch

Community organiser

In a leaked document from Conservative Central Office, plans to merge the Coalition’s  policies on social housing and community organisation have been revealed.

Under the new plans, the 5,000 community organisers promised by the Conservatives in their groundbreaking manifesto will be given principal responsibility for organising house clearances and disposal of the belongings of tenants made homeless under the new 5-10 year contract scheme, which was revealed by David Cameron in Birmingham yesterday.

In an even more innovative move, it is planned that the community organisers, whom the government have argued must be ‘self-funding’, will use the proceeds from house clearance sales to create their own wage packets. 

Many community organisers are expected to establish neighbourhood pawn shops to maximise income from the thousands of house clearances that are now expected, with  tax advantages appropriate to the charitable status of these new ventures.

One sticking point appears to be what will happen when community organisers themselves come up for eviction under the new social housing regime.  

However it is thought likely that in most instances these new ‘entrepreneurs’ will already have made enough money from the proceeds of their less fortunate neighbours’ eviction, and will already have driven off in their new 4×4 to a spanking nice suburb.  From here they will be able to organise their communities with the assistance of newly recruited large men in dark glass carrying bats, in a job creation move which is likely to please the Treasury known to be concerned about dossers getting welfare.

Reaction from the LibDems has been swift, with Deputy Leader Simon Hughes reportedly saying that his earlier criticisms had been taken out of context.  Hughes reportedly said:

This innovative mix of measures to enhance social mobility, create strong community bonds, and foster entrepreneurship, has more than ‘persuaded’ myself and my colleagues that the advantages contained in the merging of the policy approaches far outweigh relatively minor considerations like massive social dislocation, injustice and neighbourhood breakdown.

It shows that this is a real working coalition, where our concerns are listened to and acted upon, and we look forward to enjoying further benefits from our co-operative engagement with the Conservatives.