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“Chomsky with dick jokes”

William Melvyn The Left occasionally comes up with some really iconic figures, particularly when they die young. Bill Hicks, an American comedian the entire recorded works of whom I have on my hard drive, was one of them – and he died this day fourteen years ago, aged 32.

This was a man who really believed in using the pulpit he was given through comedy, probably something he gained from his Southern Baptist origins. Even going so far as to visit the Branch Davidian compound of religious survivalists when it was under siege by the FBI in 1993 to report on what was going on, Hicks wanted to be at the sharp edge of attacking the government.

Hicks was one of my early heroes and I thought I would take the opportunity of the anniversary of his death to share some choice Hicks quotes with readers unfamiliar with this legend, and to suggest to them that they look him up.

Best quote number 1. 

[crowdmember yells out “Freebird”]

“Please quit yelling that. It’s not funny, it’s not clever; it’s stupid, it’s repetitive. Why the fuck would you continue to yell that? I’m serious.”

[crowdmember yells out “Kevin Matthews”]

“Okay, Kevin Matthews. What does that mean now? [voice slowly rising] Now what does it mean? I understand where it comes from, so do you. Now what does it all mean? What is the culmination of yelling that?”

[crowdmember yells out “Jimmy Shorts”]

“Jimmy Shorts. He’s not here. He’s not gonna be here, now what? Now where are we? [voice rises faster] We’re here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That’s … you see where we’re at? We’re here at the same point again, where you, the fucking peon masses, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don’t know how to do it on your own! [shouting] That’s where we’re fucking at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in this goddamn world!Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever! Kill ’em all, Adolf, all of ’em! Jew, Mexican, American, white, kill ’em all! Start over, the experiment didn’t work! [despairingly] Rain forty days, please fucking rain to wash these turds off my fucking life! Wash these human wastes of flesh and bone off this planet! I pray to you, God, to kill these fucking people! That’s where we’re at!”

[crowdmember yells out “Freebird” again]

[utterly deflated] “Freebird. And in the beginning there was the word “Freebird” and “Freebird” would be yelled throughout the centuries. “Freebird”, the mantra of the moron! “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”. If we keep yelling this, one day we’ll be funny. Keep doing it. “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”. We will sit at the feet of Kevin Matthews. “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”.”

[audience joins in]

“Free–” I’m feeling enlightened! “Freebird”. Oh, how holy. “Well, I don’t think this is going to be a “get-laid” set for me, so, uh … [laughter] Well, Bill, good guess. But I’m not leaving, fuckers. As I said, you will be the first to leave.

Ah well, we have a long night ahead of us…”

– The infamous tirade against a heckler repeatedly crying out “Freebird” in Chicago, 1989.

* * * * *

Best quote number 2.

“And I knew Bill Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq. Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days, isn’t that interesting? He launched 22 cruise missiles against Baghdad in retaliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty two, I think three million dollars-a-piece missiles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Umm … I think that’s a little bit overdoing it if you ask me. What we should have done is embarrass the Iraqis. And here’s how we should have done it: We should have assassinated Bush ourselves. “There, that’s how you do it, towel heads. Don’t fuck with us.” And see, if it had been Bush who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life.”

* * * * *

Best Quote Number 3

“I’m sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I’m not sorry if you are offended, I’m actually sorry – just the fact that you’re Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.”

“The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! “Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”

* * * * * 

Best Quote Number 4

“Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. “Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years.” Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn’t know that you’d gone to so much trouble there. That’s good.

“You believe the world’s 12 thousand years old? “That’s right.” Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? “Uh-uh.” Dinosaurs.

“You know, the world’s 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time … you’d think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. “And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus … with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: ‘What a big fucking lizard, Lord!’ But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus’s paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: ‘Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.’ “

* * * * *

Best Quote Number 5

“What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I’m losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let’s talk about abortion. Let’s talk about child killing and see if we can’t get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let’s talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can’t coalesce into one big, healthy gut laugh. Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, I’ve never seen an issue so divisive. It’s like a civil war, isn’t it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they’re totally divided on abortion. It’s unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people … are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: “They’re annoying, they’re idiots.” “They’re evil, they’re fucks!” Brothers, sisters, come together! Can’t we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that’s me.”

* * * * *

Categories: Miscellaneous
  1. February 25, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    My favourite comedian, love the guy. His piece about creationism is fucking funny. Man, can you imagine how mental he’d been during the Bush years?!

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