Home > Terrible Tories > Cameron in the playground

Cameron in the playground

There’s a game my kids play at school. 

Not one they organise themselves. For the big one that’s footie, and for the small it’s got something to do with outer space and ninja skills with bananas.

I mean a game the teachers organize.  It involves the four edges of the playground representing places or positions.  It might be North, South, East, West or some other grouping.  When the teacher shouts out a place, all the kids have to run that way. 

It’s more complicated than that, and I don’t know all the rules, but that not important.  What is important is that the game is all about learning to listen to specific instructions, maybe increasingly detailed, and in an increasingly competitive environment as some kids lose out and have to go and sit down somewhere.  Sanctions or exclusions for not obeying quickly and correctly are part of the game, and the winner is the one who’s best at meticulous and prompt obedience.

I think Phillip Blond may have seen the game too, and got on to Cameron about it being the best way to keep the proles under control.

In the Blond/Cameron version, the country is the playground, and the proles rush up and down it according to the increasingly detailed instructions.  Some fall out of the game because they can’t cope with the instructions, and the game becomes increasingly fraught as people chase the few winner positions.

The five basic code-named calls from Cameron and his disciplinary assistant are as follows:

IDS: Run down south where all the jobs are, leaving behind all your family and friends.

House : Run back up north, because we’re cutting your Local Housing Allowance in places where it’s more expensive to live, and you really should have thought about that before moving.

Big Soc: Run back to wherever you came from last time, or maybe the time before, and join a compulsory neighbourhood assosication to protect yourselves from all the bloody ‘migrants’ who followed the IDS call.  This bit can get violent if you’ve been punished earlier in the game.

Osbo: Run back up north or maybe south this time to look after your family, who should be really important to you and who now necessarily face an uncertain future what with all the cuts to essential welfare services and are a bit more likely to die quicker

Jail: Proceed directly to jail for failing in the game and not having a job, or anywhere to live.  (If you’re a pregnant teenager, the relevant call is not ‘jail’ but Tom Harris in honour one of the inventors of the game’s original version.)

Categories: Terrible Tories
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